Beauty in the Brokenness

I know what it feels like to emerge from the storm cellar and see everything you've ever known completely annihilated. That's been my reality for a few months now. But I have to say, now having a chance to sort through the rubble, I'm finding pieces of myself that I didn't even know existed.

Clearly they were here all along, but I just didn't see them. And all the things that I constantly feared I'd lose or thought were so fragile that I couldn't allow to break, they are the exact things that are helping me to see what I can become now.

The ground shuddering underneath my feet dusted off my soul and allowed all the muck that life has put me together with to start falling away.

It's a release.

It's a relief.

And all that new found space? Well, it's filling up with energy and warmth. The universe hasn't slowed down, but I'm starting to catch up. I'm moving with it now as if it's a natural part of who I am.

All those shattered pieces were sacred clues showing me a path to a deeper, more fulfilled way of living. They led me to this higher level of existence that I honestly could never have dreamed up. How can I not be grateful for such an amazing gift?

This brokenness wasn't the end of my story. It opened the door to my soul resurrection.

Shifting and Accelerating

Most of my adult life has felt like trying to move through mud with a blindfold on. Everything has felt heavy and slow. And it was exhausting.

Now so much is happening so fast. I feel like I've jumped into a sports car with the universe driving and she looked at me and said, "You finally ready?" We've all seen that movie moment where the driver shifts gears and takes off at a crazy speed. That's my life right now. I don't even know that I can fully express the magnitude of it right now. It's an exhilaration I've never known. Yet there is some innate calmness in me telling me not to fear. Let this be. And as Tony always said, "Enjoy the ride."

The parts of me that used to question, overthink, and hesitate are quieter now. Not gone, just softened. They feel manageable. I'm learning how to let go of things that aren't meant for me. In fact, just yesterday, a situation happened at work where I would have normally jumped in to try to help put out the fire - my mind went to a vision of a tennis racket hitting a tennis ball away. I thought to myself, "This is not for me" and I let it go. It was absolutely so self gratifying. I'm starting to even feel a little excited about these little tests, because I know it shows how much stronger I'm getting.

I have no idea where this is all leading, but I know I'm not asking the universe to slow down and I'm certainly not getting out of the car. I'm going to enjoy the ride.

And I know Tony will be with me, smiling his ornery grin saying, "Attagirl."

Catching Fire

Here I am. I survived what I thought I couldn't. And in surviving, my soul has begun to transform.

I've spent months shut off from the world, crying, screaming out, begging God to take me home because the pain was too much. I wanted to be with Him and him (Tony). I was tortured with the loss of what I thought my life was supposed to be. Oh how wrong we can be.

I was forced to finally accept this new reality. It was clear that God had no intention of taking me any time soon. I took a deep breath and set the intention to discover what it is that is keeping me here. What was the work I still had to do? What did I need to learn? I asked God and the universe to show me the way.

As I made a tiny step to work on this very site, tiny sparks were igniting all around me. Suddenly the sparks lit me up like someone had poured gasoline on my soul. Signs, insights, clarity, divine nudges enveloped me. It was like the universe had been holding its breath until I finally found myself. It was a shedding of 40+ years of waiting, wondering, stagnating. Although somewhat of an emotional wave to ride through, it's been so invigorating and rejuvenating. Things that I used to struggle through now barely require thought and effort. The loneliness I've felt so often has now been replaced with a divine propulsion. I feel my ancestors and spiritual guides holding me to this path of soul recognition - a remembering of who I've always been beneath the pain, the noise and the forgetting.

I'm no longer afraid. And those flames? I understand now - they're not here to consume me. They're here to light the way. I carry them now, as part of who I'm becoming.