No Plan, No Problem

Here I sit. The girl usually riddled in anxiety, always making a plan, always creating a spreadsheet to weigh out pros and cons. I am surrounded in the unknown and learning to navigate it all in peace and surprisingly a little optimism.

My soul is still overflowing with ideas, new thoughts and divine nudges. But my physical life has completely stalled. The path I had etched out with Tony is gone.

Where do I go from here?

Do I stay in NC?

Do I move back to WV?

Do I move back to RI?

What is best for me and my boys?

My need to pivot and move to force things to work is a glowing example of old behavior that is no longer serving me. The girl known as "the fixer" can't fix this - not right now. Recognizing that and accepting that is finally starting to calm the panic.

I can't say it's been easy. That anxiety - the one that used to drive all the planning, spreadsheets and constant searching - it came from an inner wound. A core belief that if I wasn't in control, I wasn't safe. That belief kept me in motion, even when I was exhausted. It convinced me I had to fix it all or else. I would never allow myself to question the drive or the make believe consequences. (We'll get into that more next week.)

For now, I'm learning that it's ok to just be still. The pause is necessary. I need this space. I need this time. I need to prioritize what I've rarely placed first: My inner being. My purpose. This shift is leading to me to become what it is that God intended me to be.

For Him, I will be still. I will heal and become a ripple that helps lift the frequency of this world. My purpose is to let others see that - and to offer hope that they, too, will find the courage to join me.