Losing My Light

So much has happened this year. I've been overcome with a darkness and depth of loss that I could have never imagined before. It's now almost May and I stand here just on the other side of it all.

I've survived Jack moving to RI. He's all settled and truly thriving.

I've survived my move. And although the process of finding a place to live here was much more difficult and longer than expected, I've been able to move into a little house that perfectly suits my needs for now.

I've survived the loss of the job I've loved. I was fortunate enough to find a virtual position in another area.

I've survived yet another court battle with my ex-husband.

I continue to survive every day... without Tony's physical presence. But now the idea of attempting to start a new relationship doesn't seem as impossible as it used to.

Yet, with all of that, I still find myself searching for a light in the darkness. I still feel the heaviness and an inability to breath normally.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I not lit up and dancing in the streets?

Have I been broken so badly... beyond repair?

I sat alone with God and asked those questions. He showed me that my light isn't gone. It was dimmed and covered to protect it from this season of upheaval.

Because when life asks too much of you for you too long, your system doesn't break. It conserves.

It pulls your energy inward.

It quiets what isn't essential.

It protects what matters most... until it's safe again.

And although the shift to recovery is starting, my nervous system doesn't quite know how to feel safe again.

I can take solace knowing...

there is a reason for how I feel, or don't feel right now

there is a universal pattern of conservation... for protection

and more importantly... there is and will be an exit.

The cover will lift...and my light will brighten again. It won't come in big waves of elation or fireworks. It will be in slow and subtle moments... moments that teach me how to trust this new life that is being created inside and outside of me.