After Everything Breaks

The days have turned into a year now. Here I am still trying to find my way to a new version of me.

Prior to April 1, 2025, I had a vision of what my life would be. A beautifully painted picture of Tony and I putting the hard times behind us and finally being able to be together like we always wanted. I was on my way to WV to be with Tony when I got the call from Pat. In the moment his voice fell silent, panic set in. I just kept screaming no. But when I knew it was real, when I knew he was gone, I felt my entire being shatter. I lost him, I lost the version of myself I was excited to become. My beautiful picture cracked into hundreds of tiny fragments that I knew I could never put back together.

Looking back now, I see it as a kaleidoscope. All those tiny fragments constantly shifting. There were still pieces of color. Still tiny pieces trying to hold on to light. Nothing stable. Nothing that stays still long enough to feel safe. I've been living in that kaleidoscope ever since.

I had no idea the deep toll it has taken on me... until now. It's come to rest on me with such a weight that makes it hard to breathe or move sometimes.

It's not about having a bad moment or a bad day. It goes far beyond that.

My son has flown the nest sooner than expected.

I've purged and packed up my belongings in a very stressful move.

I've been put into the unfortunate position of losing my job that I've loved.

I find myself in a space of more uncertainty now than ever. Everything has been stripped away. In full transparency, I got lost in it the past week or so. I've had some very dark days buried in self pity and full of anger towards God and the universe for how this all feels. I resented myself for feeling weak, tired and so damn unprepared.

I cried out asking for clarity and direction. And as always, I was not disappointed. The message settling within my soul now is that my focus got skewed. Rather than staying in the kaleidoscope watching the pieces fall away, I am meant to focus on what was left after everything breaks.

And that is me.

It's time for me to paint a new picture for myself. To show myself, and for Jack to see, a version of me that can learn, grow and build something new and steady...

even when it hurts.