Matters of the Heart

It's been a while since my last blog post. I left you with great optimism of where I was heading in life and love. I sit here this morning feeling bruised and tired from the past few weeks. But it's a reminder that I'm still alive and, more importantly, living with my heart open again.

I didn't shut down from Tony's death like I initially thought I would. People may have their judgements about that, but I know he wants me to be happy and experience a different kind of love here in the time that I have left.

So here I am... the student, still learning. Constantly navigating my new awareness of myself and how I want my life to be. Now also considering how others can affect me and how I am responding to it. Is it that scared, broken little girl inside me or is it this new, evolved version of me that has never existed before?

It can get messy.

It can get complicated.

I still find myself tripping over emotions and situations from my past.

Through all the peaks and valleys, I have discovered that my heart still longs to be met. As full of love as I am, being cared for still matters just as much. The days of pouring love into someone with the highest velocity possible with little or no return are over for me. That feels like great progress.

I know matters of the heart will never be simple. But then again, neither am I.

I've received a taste of what it can be like to be seen and held in daily awareness. It gives me hope.

Maybe life will still surprise me.

Maybe love will too.

And I guess that's really the moral of this story... I'm still here hoping, just with clearer vision.