Relearning God

I had a long day and ended up falling asleep early. So, of course, here I am late at night wide awake. I turned the tv on to a true crime story. I was watching a mother speak about the loss of her daughter and marinating in the horror of that. Then she repeated a phrase I've heard so many times in my life... "an eye for an eye."

My guttural response was, "that's not from my God."

Not only did I feel it important to understand the truth that was resonating within me, I also became very aware and proud that I was instinctively using my own discernment rather than being cemented in the stories that I've been told my whole life.

I grew up going to a little country church every Sunday. I heard stories about God and Jesus. Looking back, the stories that perpetuated fear and control are the ones that echoed the loudest. To no one's fault, that's what has been handed down, quite methodically through organized religion.

My miscarriages, becoming Jack's mother, and now surviving the immense trauma of the past few years have given me the gift of discernment. What I understand now is that people can get lost in human interpretations of God rather than the actual experience of Him.

Jesus attempted to redirect the spiritual conversation... to teach us not to repay evil with evil... to move away from revenge and toward mercy and restraint.

I didn't need to read that in a book.

I feel it.

The deeper I heal, the more I realize a big part of it is relearning God. It's letting go of conditioning and impersonal, external stories. It's anchoring my soul in love and compassion and finding strength in my newly found discernment. That's where He waits for me to meet Him. That's where He waits for all of us, no matter what.