Me in Retrograde

So I'm going through life now by the seat of my pants. No plan. No real idea what may come next. I'm just trying to learn, stay open, and keep myself anchored in peace and joy where I can.

Life still pummels me as it did before... one punch, two punch, three punch, four, etc. I haven't evolved so much that I'm immune to it. I still cry. I still get upset. I still get angry. The difference is that those feelings don't stay as long as they used to. I am able to recognize what's happening, let it move through me, and accept things more easily than I ever could have before.

There has been a more noticeable shift the past few days. The world feels a little lighter. I feel more capable. Somehow I feel like I've been propelled much further on my path. There is a recognition of "Oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like."

Is it a coincidence that I see all the social media posts about Mercury being in Retrograde? Despite Jeannie's best efforts, I still stumble on astrology. My understanding is that this planetary season can bring us feelings of disconnection, miscommunication, delays, glitches, and so forth and so on. All things that can trigger us, especially in a state of overwhelm.

That's where I usually got bogged down... in the overwhelm. When you feel like the world is spinning out of control and you keep stumbling, it's easy to let your thoughts marinate in the negative and sacrifice precious time in worry and strife.

I am no longer that woman. The old me in retrograde used to get buried in overanalyzing, lost in the noise, and carried the feeling that life was always out to get her. She wasted an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure it all out immediately to feel safe again.

I'm very proud to say that's not who I am anymore. This me I am now understands the importance of coming back to myself. I'm already safe here within myself. And the tides of life that ebb and flow don't have to be a continual cycle of crisis. I can handle whatever comes. I always do.

Rather than putting a negative connotation on retrograde, I'm starting to see it as a hidden gift. A reminder to slow down. To breath. To stay in alignment. To trust that even when life feels messy, I am not lost.

I am still moving towards all the wonderful things that are ahead of me in this life. I have never been more confident and determined.

Matters of the Heart

It's been a while since my last blog post. I left you with great optimism of where I was heading in life and love. I sit here this morning feeling bruised and tired from the past few weeks. But it's a reminder that I'm still alive and, more importantly, living with my heart open again.

I didn't shut down from Tony's death like I initially thought I would. People may have their judgements about that, but I know he wants me to be happy and experience a different kind of love here in the time that I have left.

So here I am... the student, still learning. Constantly navigating my new awareness of myself and how I want my life to be. Now also considering how others can affect me and how I am responding to it. Is it that scared, broken little girl inside me or is it this new, evolved version of me that has never existed before?

It can get messy.

It can get complicated.

I still find myself tripping over emotions and situations from my past.

Through all the peaks and valleys, I have discovered that my heart still longs to be met. As full of love as I am, being cared for still matters just as much. The days of pouring love into someone with the highest velocity possible with little or no return are over for me. That feels like great progress.

I know matters of the heart will never be simple. But then again, neither am I.

I've received a taste of what it can be like to be seen and held in daily awareness. It gives me hope.

Maybe life will still surprise me.

Maybe love will too.

And I guess that's really the moral of this story... I'm still here hoping, just with clearer vision.

Where You'll Find Me

One of those little breadcrumbs crept up on me today. It has been churning around in my head so I know there is something here that I need to write about. Ultimately as I sit here typing, what resonates most is just the simple feeling of feeling like enough. I've turned the corner on the nuclear bomb that has imploded in my life in the past year and a half. I've crawled out of the depression and hopelessness. I'm done picking up pieces and trying to make them fit. The kaleidoscope I was living in is a memory. I'll carry the scars with me, but the bleeding has stopped and I'm no longer suffocating in the aftermath.

Where you'll find me now is swimming in the deep end of the universe. I'll be here celebrating who I am and my capacity to feel and love beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

The struggle and the loss didn't kill me. It uncovered the depth of my soul and the strength I have to survive it all.

I will no longer shrink to fit anyone else's needs.

I will have the courage to speak my truth.

I will hold space in my life for those who can see me, understand me and appreciate me for exactly who I am.

I will hold my heart for the one who can meet me here and stand with me against whatever comes.

I believe I've paid my dues now. I'm ready to rebuild a life to be more steady in and proud of. More than anything, I want Jack to see me happy and actually living a life. I want him to see that love wins.

That's where you'll find me... where love always wins.