Closer Than You Think

In those dark moments after losing Tony where I wanted to give up, where the pain was too great that I felt like I couldn't survive it anymore, there was someone there. Someone who refused to leave me. When I was in the dark pit begging God to take me too, He answered simply, "Not yet."

That voice inside my head was so clear and so personal. Suddenly this omnipotent, mythical being of childhood stories became very real and our relationship became very personal. I had the extraordinary realization that He knew me. Not only that, but He loved me enough to hold me in those moments AND there was still purpose to my life.

I met God during that time. A door opened that had been buried in the trappings and noise of my human experience. But He had been there, waiting.

Once I met him this way, I started recognizing Him everywhere. Especially within me and everywhere within this beautiful life I've now been gifted with.

I recognize Him in the love I feel for my family and friends. The joy and care that occupies my heart and mind for my son. Most certainly in the love and friendship I get to share with Michael every day and in the family Michael now shares with me.

I recognize Him in the love and compassion I feel in this chaotic world. It's Him in every ounce of forgiveness I find to give.. towards myself and others. Even within the smallest of nudges to reach out to someone, pray for someone or to just give, no matter what is required in the moment.

More than anything, I recognize Him in this very experience of writing this blog. I am instinctively aware that this website and all that will come from it is His way of reaching out through me. I feel Him in the messages that keep finding their way to me asking to be shared.

I'm not sitting here as a bible scholar. I can't quote scripture. I've thought at times in the past that God was for other people. People far different than I thought myself to be. He seemed distant and unattainable to me. I can't even begin to unpack all of my life that may have reinforced that misconception. I don't need to. What is important now is the awareness that He is there... not only for us, but within us.

If you have ever loved someone deeply, felt compassion for a stranger, forgiven someone who hurt you, been moved by beauty, reached out because something inside you told you someone needed you, or found hope when there was absolutely no logical reason to have any....

maybe you've already felt Him.

Maybe you just didn't call it God.

Maybe, just maybe... like me, you'll find He's been there all along.

For anyone looking, I'm here to assure you... He is closer than you think.

My Front Porch

There are varying opinions about what dreams are. Complete fiction? Visits to other dimensions? Messages from the spiritual world? I've received enough validation now that I know some are definitely heaven sent.

For a while now, I've dreamt of standing on a wraparound porch and there was a man there. He was just a black figure. I didn't know what he looked like, but I sure knew how he made me feel.

It was always the same little porch... the same black figure... the very same comforting feeling.

I found myself wondering who that man could be. I started looking for him in the men who crossed my path. More than anything, I looked for that feeling. I didn't find it anywhere. But it sure made me realize what it is that I was searching for.

Those dreams were a lighthouse in the dark. Despite my past and the pain I carried, the more that dream came, the more I held the faith that I would find that man. Despite any stumbles or left turns, I have repeated to myself and everyone, "He's coming."

One day I received a friend request from a guy I knew 30 years ago. We used to hang out in the same friend group on the creek, but I couldn't even remember ever having a conversation with him. But I did remember him and I did accept the friend request.

I read his recent post about his faith and how God had changed his life. I didn't know this man, but somehow I felt proud of him and I felt a unique pull toward him to learn more.

What I didn't know then was just how deeply that faith had become part of the man he is. Michael doesn't simply talk about God. He tries to live his life in a way that reflects Him.

I see it in the way he loves his family.

I see it in the way he works to build a life and a home.

I see the quiet pauses where he pulls himself back from the man he used to be.

I see his generosity.

I see his desire to help others strengthen their faith.

I hear him pray with a sincerity that still moves me every time. There is something about the way this man prays. He's not just speaking the words. He's speaking truth into creation through his unwavering faith.

And then there is the way he loves me.

This is where words get harder for me. Not because I don't know how Michael loves me, but because I don't know how to contain something this big in a paragraph. There isn't one grand gesture I can point to. It's everywhere... every day.

It's how he considers me in everything he does. Every plan, every decision and every prayer.

It's the way his face lights up when he sees me smile.

It's the way he slides his hand into mine and we both look at each other knowing what it means to us.

It's the goofy stories and endless laughs.

It's how an ordinary hug in the kitchen somehow becomes a slow dance, just because he knows I love it.

It's the pillow talk and cuddles before sleep.

I guess that's what makes his love feel so big because it lives in all the little things we experience every day.

And now when I sit on our little wraparound porch, I realize the dreams were never really about the porch itself. It's the feeling I would find here with him. Michael is my front porch. He is the one welcoming me home and giving me a sense of peace and comfort that I have never known. He chooses me so completely and loves me with such certainty.

Interestingly enough, Michael had been having dreams of a blond haired woman in the field here. He never saw a face either. Looking back at how this has played out, I think it was very intentional. Maybe we would have been caught up more in the person. I believe we were meant to recognize each other by how it felt. And it is such a powerful thing to know that it is all God given.

So each day, we share our lives,

we smile,

we laugh (a lot),

we thank God for bringing us to each other,

and we walk in faith that God has much more to add to our story.

Finding My Way Home

Wow... it's been a while since my last blog. Life has changed so much. I have so much to tell you. The most evident thing dancing around my mind lately is what the word home has come to mean to me.

As a child, it was my grandparent's humble home in Clouston. As an adult, I've bounced around to many structures trying to make them feel like what I thought home should feel like. I was never able to. All the while, no matter where I lived, I still felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I gave into the belief that our location held no real value.

After Tony's death, I felt the pull to move back to WV. It all seemed very logical. That's where the two people that I'm closest with are. And I needed them. I thought maybe those familiar faces and my childhood places would help fill the void I was feeling. There is no way I could have ever imagined what path was unfolding ahead of me. I had no idea that God was listening to my prayers and quietly stitching together a life where it is so easy to just be me.

I now wake up every morning on this beautiful farm. I sit on the front porch, surrounded by nothing but nature. The trees giving off oxygen,

the earth there to ground me,

the birds calming my nervous system,

the flow of the creek soothing me,

all the beautiful butterflies flittering amongst the wildflowers,

the deer in the meadow,

and there's a man that sits next to me, with a quiet grin, who settles my weary soul. (More to come about him.)

And all of that...

It's all God.

He is all around me every day in every way.

I'm no longer swallowed up by the chaos of the world. There's no more fight to gain approval or try to fit in. There's no more ache for more. There's no more fear of what I could be missing or wishing for something else.

All of that has fallen away.

And I can look back and see the trail of breadcrumbs that brought me here. Even though I could have never imaged the destination...

I am home.