My Front Porch

There are varying opinions about what dreams are. Complete fiction? Visits to other dimensions? Messages from the spiritual world? I've received enough validation now that I know some are definitely heaven sent.

For a while now, I've dreamt of standing on a wraparound porch and there was a man there. He was just a black figure. I didn't know what he looked like, but I sure knew how he made me feel.

It was always the same little porch... the same black figure... the very same comforting feeling.

I found myself wondering who that man could be. I started looking for him in the men who crossed my path. More than anything, I looked for that feeling. I didn't find it anywhere. But it sure made me realize what it is that I was searching for.

Those dreams were a lighthouse in the dark. Despite my past and the pain I carried, the more that dream came, the more I held the faith that I would find that man. Despite any stumbles or left turns, I have repeated to myself and everyone, "He's coming."

One day I received a friend request from a guy I knew 30 years ago. We used to hang out in the same friend group on the creek, but I couldn't even remember ever having a conversation with him. But I did remember him and I did accept the friend request.

I read his recent post about his faith and how God had changed his life. I didn't know this man, but somehow I felt proud of him and I felt a unique pull toward him to learn more.

What I didn't know then was just how deeply that faith had become part of the man he is. Michael doesn't simply talk about God. He tries to live his life in a way that reflects Him.

I see it in the way he loves his family.

I see it in the way he works to build a life and a home.

I see the quiet pauses where he pulls himself back from the man he used to be.

I see his generosity.

I see his desire to help others strengthen their faith.

I hear him pray with a sincerity that still moves me every time. There is something about the way this man prays. He's not just speaking the words. He's speaking truth into creation through his unwavering faith.

And then there is the way he loves me.

This is where words get harder for me. Not because I don't know how Michael loves me, but because I don't know how to contain something this big in a paragraph. There isn't one grand gesture I can point to. It's everywhere... every day.

It's how he considers me in everything he does. Every plan, every decision and every prayer.

It's the way his face lights up when he sees me smile.

It's the way he slides his hand into mine and we both look at each other knowing what it means to us.

It's the goofy stories and endless laughs.

It's how an ordinary hug in the kitchen somehow becomes a slow dance, just because he knows I love it.

It's the pillow talk and cuddles before sleep.

I guess that's what makes his love feel so big because it lives in all the little things we experience every day.

And now when I sit on our little wraparound porch, I realize the dreams were never really about the porch itself. It's the feeling I would find here with him. Michael is my front porch. He is the one welcoming me home and giving me a sense of peace and comfort that I have never known. He chooses me so completely and loves me with such certainty.

Interestingly enough, Michael had been having dreams of a blond haired woman in the field here. He never saw a face either. Looking back at how this has played out, I think it was very intentional. Maybe we would have been caught up more in the person. I believe we were meant to recognize each other by how it felt. And it is such a powerful thing to know that it is all God given.

So each day, we share our lives,

we smile,

we laugh (a lot),

we thank God for bringing us to each other,

and we walk in faith that God has much more to add to our story.

Finding My Way Home

Wow... it's been a while since my last blog. Life has changed so much. I have so much to tell you. The most evident thing dancing around my mind lately is what the word home has come to mean to me.

As a child, it was my grandparent's humble home in Clouston. As an adult, I've bounced around to many structures trying to make them feel like what I thought home should feel like. I was never able to. All the while, no matter where I lived, I still felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I gave into the belief that our location held no real value.

After Tony's death, I felt the pull to move back to WV. It all seemed very logical. That's where the two people that I'm closest with are. And I needed them. I thought maybe those familiar faces and my childhood places would help fill the void I was feeling. There is no way I could have ever imagined what path was unfolding ahead of me. I had no idea that God was listening to my prayers and quietly stitching together a life where it is so easy to just be me.

I now wake up every morning on this beautiful farm. I sit on the front porch, surrounded by nothing but nature. The trees giving off oxygen,

the earth there to ground me,

the birds calming my nervous system,

the flow of the creek soothing me,

all the beautiful butterflies flittering amongst the wildflowers,

the deer in the meadow,

and there's a man that sits next to me, with a quiet grin, who settles my weary soul. (More to come about him.)

And all of that...

It's all God.

He is all around me every day in every way.

I'm no longer swallowed up by the chaos of the world. There's no more fight to gain approval or try to fit in. There's no more ache for more. There's no more fear of what I could be missing or wishing for something else.

All of that has fallen away.

And I can look back and see the trail of breadcrumbs that brought me here. Even though I could have never imaged the destination...

I am home.

Me in Retrograde

So I'm going through life now by the seat of my pants. No plan. No real idea what may come next. I'm just trying to learn, stay open, and keep myself anchored in peace and joy where I can.

Life still pummels me as it did before... one punch, two punch, three punch, four, etc. I haven't evolved so much that I'm immune to it. I still cry. I still get upset. I still get angry. The difference is that those feelings don't stay as long as they used to. I am able to recognize what's happening, let it move through me, and accept things more easily than I ever could have before.

There has been a more noticeable shift the past few days. The world feels a little lighter. I feel more capable. Somehow I feel like I've been propelled much further on my path. There is a recognition of "Oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like."

Is it a coincidence that I see all the social media posts about Mercury being in Retrograde? Despite Jeannie's best efforts, I still stumble on astrology. My understanding is that this planetary season can bring us feelings of disconnection, miscommunication, delays, glitches, and so forth and so on. All things that can trigger us, especially in a state of overwhelm.

That's where I usually got bogged down... in the overwhelm. When you feel like the world is spinning out of control and you keep stumbling, it's easy to let your thoughts marinate in the negative and sacrifice precious time in worry and strife.

I am no longer that woman. The old me in retrograde used to get buried in overanalyzing, lost in the noise, and carried the feeling that life was always out to get her. She wasted an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure it all out immediately to feel safe again.

I'm very proud to say that's not who I am anymore. This me I am now understands the importance of coming back to myself. I'm already safe here within myself. And the tides of life that ebb and flow don't have to be a continual cycle of crisis. I can handle whatever comes. I always do.

Rather than putting a negative connotation on retrograde, I'm starting to see it as a hidden gift. A reminder to slow down. To breath. To stay in alignment. To trust that even when life feels messy, I am not lost.

I am still moving towards all the wonderful things that are ahead of me in this life. I have never been more confident and determined.