R&R

We all need a little R&R. No, not what you think - not rest and relaxation. We need something far deeper: Remember and Rise.

I recently heard someone say that red is the first color that we see when we enter this world. I was so taken by it. I asked for it to be repeated. "Red is the first color we see when we enter this world," she said again.

I really can't explain my reaction, but it hit me in such a profound way. It's not something I never would have thought about. It's so natural and raw... yet stunningly beautiful.

In the moment we step into this realm - when we first see red - we sacrifice our knowing of our higher consciousness to start a new human adventure that will lead us back to it. That's the divine plan anyway.

What I'm learning and sharing is that it doesn't matter how lost we've been for how long. It only takes one small step to get ourselves going in the right direction. One small shift can create a domino effect. And once you start feeling how amazing it is to be aligned and finding yourself, it's not something you'll want to let go of. Everything in your life will begin to elevate - bit by bit, word by word, thought by thought.

Most days now I still feel like a toddler learning to walk. And every day, it still feels a little surreal. Sometimes even overwhelming. But no matter how little or big the steps I take each day, I feel the shift and a steadiness in my rise.

I'm learning more about myself.

I'm becoming more of myself.

I'm learning more about everything around me

And I love it.

I share Human Design because it is part of my story. I have found a great deal of truth and direction in it. For anyone who may be curious, Jeannie has a lot of good, free information on her site. She is always open to work with anyone who wants to explore. https://divinelyinspiredmessages.com/

If you are restless, constantly hitting walls, or feeling lost, this may be your divine nudge to pause, remember and rise. It's never too late.

My Alarming Superpower

There is a lot to unpack here... get comfortable.

I - like most, I think - didn't know I was wounded. Not in the spiritual sense anyway.

I've gone through a 25 year career knowing I am really good at my job. Hyper-aware. Always ten steps ahead. I'm a problem solver. I'm "the fixer." I anticipate needs. I maneuver chaos like a downhill skier. Pivoting and adjusting repeatedly throughout the day like a pinball bouncing from one issue to another.

I was praised for it. Rewarded for it. Promoted because of it.

Yet this same person is paralyzed with fear about having a conversation with a stranger and has panic attacks about taking the wrong exit off of the highway.

A therapist told me almost 20 years ago that I have something called Anticipation Anxiety. I shrugged, tucked the label into my back pocket, and only pulled it out when I needed to explain away my fear. I never truly asked why it was there.

All these years never understanding that my anxiety was an alarm system going off because I didn't feel safe or in control. Without realizing what was happening, I got very good at controlling my environment. When I couldn't, I learned to stay quiet and I would shrink myself to feel safe, which is all just unhealthy avoidance dressed up as excellence.

I now understand that my anxiety is my internal security system trying to manage my unspoken fears. Where are those fears derived? That's right, my core wound.

We are taught in Human Design that we incarnate into this world with a chosen soul curriculum. This is what we choose to experience, understand and ultimately - hopefully - learn to transform.

Now that I'm aware, I'm doing the work to recode my nervous system. I still have my superpowers, but they are no longer chained to fear.

I'm learning not to shrink - I'm thinking bigger. Feeling deeper.

I'm learning to let go and trust my intuition and the universe. I don't have to constantly prepare for disaster.

I can express my truth - without the fear of feeling judged, rejected or misunderstood.

I'm doing it.

Working on it.

Working on myself to become so that I can overcome.

This blog is literally my healed voice rising from my core wound of suppression.

We don't rise from avoiding pain. We rise when we alchemize it. Healing our wounds, although a very personal journey, has a much greater impact than most could ever realize. When we rise, we help to raise the collective frequency of humanity. That rise? It doesn't stop with us. It trickles down through generations to come.

How amazing is that? What a beautiful legacy.

No Plan, No Problem

Here I sit. The girl usually riddled in anxiety, always making a plan, always creating a spreadsheet to weigh out pros and cons. I am surrounded in the unknown and learning to navigate it all in peace and surprisingly a little optimism.

My soul is still overflowing with ideas, new thoughts and divine nudges. But my physical life has completely stalled. The path I had etched out with Tony is gone.

Where do I go from here?

Do I stay in NC?

Do I move back to WV?

Do I move back to RI?

What is best for me and my boys?

My need to pivot and move to force things to work is a glowing example of old behavior that is no longer serving me. The girl known as "the fixer" can't fix this - not right now. Recognizing that and accepting that is finally starting to calm the panic.

I can't say it's been easy. That anxiety - the one that used to drive all the planning, spreadsheets and constant searching - it came from an inner wound. A core belief that if I wasn't in control, I wasn't safe. That belief kept me in motion, even when I was exhausted. It convinced me I had to fix it all or else. I would never allow myself to question the drive or the make believe consequences. (We'll get into that more next week.)

For now, I'm learning that it's ok to just be still. The pause is necessary. I need this space. I need this time. I need to prioritize what I've rarely placed first: My inner being. My purpose. This shift is leading to me to become what it is that God intended me to be.

For Him, I will be still. I will heal and become a ripple that helps lift the frequency of this world. My purpose is to let others see that - and to offer hope that they, too, will find the courage to join me.