Love with Courage

Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been completely devoted to my son. Now here we are 17+ years later preparing for him to move back to RI without me. Yes, I said, WITHOUT ME.

Just thinking and typing those words is still jarring to me emotionally. But, I find myself in a unique space of greater understanding now. There are moments, without question, that sting and burn and feel like paper cuts on my heart. As a mother, I'm already grieving for the loss of his daily presence. If I'm completely honest, also for the loss of being his safe place every day.

What I realize now is that it's not a letting go, but more of an expansion. Our hearts aren't being wounded, but are stretching, like a muscle learning what it's capable of.

He needs more independence, new perspectives and a chance to experience himself differently.

I know I don't have to hover to hold him and my love is not bound by distance. He will learn through this that love doesn't disappear when space is created.

That is a gift I can give him. It's a gift Tony has given me. Tony has already shown me that presence is energetic, not geographical. And because of that knowing, I trust that Jack will feel me... steady, loving and present... wherever he is.

I will applaud and support his courage to make this change. I will recognize in myself the courage it takes to find peace in it. And I will trust that we are both divinely guided.

Being Seen

If you've read about my journey, you know that suppression has been my wound in this world. This blog has come to be my most significant way to absolve that wound.

I'm no longer hiding. I've learned to be brave enough to say what I feel or think without regard to how anyone else is going to react to it. Such a seemingly small gesture, but it's absolutely life changing for me.

That being said, I know that most, if not all, of my views now are from family and friends showing their support. Since it's Thanksgiving week, it felt fitting to take this time to express my gratitude.

Thank you for walking this journey with me. Any time or interest given to Upcycled Soul means the world to me. I appreciate that you choose to see me. I appreciate that you choose to listen to what I'm being called to say, whether it resonates or not.

This heals me in ways that I don't know that I could ever fully express.

You are here at the humble beginnings. I have much bigger plans that I hope will have an even greater impact in this world - all rooted in love and faith. We're just getting warmed up. Stay tuned!

Hope Floats

I spent my whole adult life struggling, fighting against the current. So adamant that I was going in the right direction. The world was wrong. It was continual cycles of bad luck and bad karma for something I had done wrong in a prior life. I was cursed. If I just tried harder, I'd break through. That's what I would tell myself.

What an extraordinary shift to have this new understanding that the universe wasn't working against me. It was working for me by making the wrong path unbearably hard. In hindsight, it seems so simple. But all the muck that gets piled on us really can block our vision. There are those, like me, who will double down in our determination without knowing how blind we are.

Now that the blinders are off and my vision is clearer, I find myself more aware of what comes easy and what doesn't. Increasing faith and more honed intuition are now my guidance system.

It still gets a little muddy sometimes and I still have to fight off old patterns of resistance, but I can tell you that those moments are far less prevalent now.

The things that fight against the current, I now remind myself that I can let them go.

• Some things I can swat away. I even envision a tennis racquet hitting away a tennis ball and I say to myself, "This isn't for me."

• In some situations, it can't be an immediate release and I have to keep reminding myself that whatever it is, it's temporary. If it's not caused by my old behaviors, I trust that it's a matter of timing. I'm being prepared for or protected from something. When it's hard, I understand that the call is there for patience or greater awareness to course correct. That is still something that I thank God for.

More and more often, I'm learning to float with the rhythms of life that surround me. Knowing that the current is still flowing, no matter where I am or how I feel, now brings great comfort.

We are held.

We are guided.

We all have a purpose to learn and to love.

No one is being punished with struggle and strife. Those are the clues to help us understand that we need to realign.

Hope floats - when you stop swimming against the current.