No Plan, No Problem

Here I sit. The girl usually riddled in anxiety, always making a plan, always creating a spreadsheet to weigh out pros and cons. I am surrounded in the unknown and learning to navigate it all in peace and surprisingly a little optimism.

My soul is still overflowing with ideas, new thoughts and divine nudges. But my physical life has completely stalled. The path I had etched out with Tony is gone.

Where do I go from here?

Do I stay in NC?

Do I move back to WV?

Do I move back to RI?

What is best for me and my boys?

My need to pivot and move to force things to work is a glowing example of old behavior that is no longer serving me. The girl known as "the fixer" can't fix this - not right now. Recognizing that and accepting that is finally starting to calm the panic.

I can't say it's been easy. That anxiety - the one that used to drive all the planning, spreadsheets and constant searching - it came from an inner wound. A core belief that if I wasn't in control, I wasn't safe. That belief kept me in motion, even when I was exhausted. It convinced me I had to fix it all or else. I would never allow myself to question the drive or the make believe consequences. (We'll get into that more next week.)

For now, I'm learning that it's ok to just be still. The pause is necessary. I need this space. I need this time. I need to prioritize what I've rarely placed first: My inner being. My purpose. This shift is leading to me to become what it is that God intended me to be.

For Him, I will be still. I will heal and become a ripple that helps lift the frequency of this world. My purpose is to let others see that - and to offer hope that they, too, will find the courage to join me.

The Alchemy in Me

Tony was unapologetically bold. He lived his life out loud - with his IDGAF bravado. Right or wrong, there was never any guessing to how he felt or where you stood. He wasn't a people pleaser. He stayed true to himself.

He wasn't always everyone's cup of tea. As he used to say playfully, and with complete self-awareness - "I ain't for the squeamish."

All of those behaviors that may have put people off, those are a big part of why I was so drawn to him. I didn't really understand it util now, but he reflected back to me everything I wanted to be. Everything I was hiding from.

Tony saw in me what I couldn't. He is the one who started chiseling away at my unhealthy survival mechanisms. He wasn't afraid to call me out or hurt my feelings. He loved me enough to be honest and to push me when needed.

I stopped this morning to think about all of this and a stunning realization landed within my soul. This man lit the match for all that I am experiencing now. This fire that lights the way toward whatever God has intended for me all began with the sparks that Tony cared enough to throw off.

He saw me like no one else ever has.

There will never be a day where it will be okay for my phone not to be blowing up with funny memes, weather reports, or gold prices - whatever he was excited about that day. It will never be okay to not hear his voice, laugh with him, or be able to fall asleep snuggled up in his arms.

I used to think that the pain of losing him would be a heavy chain I'd have to carry around my soul for the rest of my life. What I understand now is that the grief will always be there. How I allow it to resonate within my life is completely up to me.

The pain isn't gone, God knows. But I'm learning that I do have the power and strength to transform how it affects me. I will look at our love, at the legacy he left me and I will use that as fuel to keep this new found fire going. He will fan the flames of every word that I type that helps me or someone else. He will be in every offering that I'm allowed to share that may bring someone else hope or peace.

I will make a conscious effort every day to disassociate him from any suffering or sadness. He is with me as the co-creator of this new life. Changing how I hold his death.... that is the alchemy in me.

We will always have the power to transform dark to light. It will never be easy, but I hope to live as an example that it's possible and so damn worth it.

Beauty in the Brokenness

I know what it feels like to emerge from the storm cellar and see everything you've ever known completely annihilated. That's been my reality for a few months now. But I have to say, now having a chance to sort through the rubble, I'm finding pieces of myself that I didn't even know existed.

Clearly they were here all along, but I just didn't see them. And all the things that I constantly feared I'd lose or thought were so fragile that I couldn't allow to break, they are the exact things that are helping me to see what I can become now.

The ground shuddering underneath my feet dusted off my soul and allowed all the muck that life has put me together with to start falling away.

It's a release.

It's a relief.

And all that new found space? Well, it's filling up with energy and warmth. The universe hasn't slowed down, but I'm starting to catch up. I'm moving with it now as if it's a natural part of who I am.

All those shattered pieces were sacred clues showing me a path to a deeper, more fulfilled way of living. They led me to this higher level of existence that I honestly could never have dreamed up. How can I not be grateful for such an amazing gift?

This brokenness wasn't the end of my story. It opened the door to my soul resurrection.