Breaking Free of What's Breaking Me

When you dive into the pool of self-discovery, I don't think there is any way you can fully prepare for what you are going to find.

Those of us that are the walking wounded carry scars that never heal. They still bleed. They bleed into our thoughts, our decisions, our relationships. They make us question ourselves. They create a continual ache for healing - one we can't always name, but always feel. We keep searching for answers, hoping for wholeness, but we often end up swimming in doubt.

You can reach a point of intolerance - an unwillingness to bleed anymore. You can analyze your behaviors. You can trace them back to their source. Why it happened can be crystal clear or still veiled in mystery. That's the spot that becomes very murky, and muddy, and difficult to traverse. Some of us get stuck there and it almost hurts more the original wound. You can wish and want all you want for change. If the other person doesn't have the awareness or ability to take responsibility and tend to your needs, it will continue to be a perpetual cycle of disappointment and unrest.

Forgive and let go... that's what I constantly hear.

Like it didn't matter?

The pain no one apologized for

The needs that never got met

The silence I had to survive in

I always processed that as saying, "Get over it." It made me mad. I felt like I was owed something, owed more than just swiping it under the rug.

Until now.

Now I'm learning that allowing myself to move past it is not about letting them off the hook without accountability or consequence. With this journey inward, I'm growing to understand that it's about my energy and what I allow to stay, what I allow to shape me, and what I finally choose to release.

The core lesson for me in all of this is that forgiveness isn't just a moment you arrive at suddenly. It's a muscle. It's something you strengthen through use. You build it through the ache, through repetition, through every refusal to bleed anymore.

I choose release, because I deserve it. I am the one who gives myself the freedom I am seeking. I am the one who will continue to whisper, "I let go of needing you to be someone you couldn't be. I free you. And I free myself."

Letting go is messy. It's layered. It takes courage. I'll still need lots more practice. But this... this is where a big part of my healing needs to happen.