The Alchemy in Me

Tony was unapologetically bold. He lived his life out loud - with his IDGAF bravado. Right or wrong, there was never any guessing to how he felt or where you stood. He wasn't a people pleaser. He stayed true to himself.

He wasn't always everyone's cup of tea. As he used to say playfully, and with complete self-awareness - "I ain't for the squeamish."

All of those behaviors that may have put people off, those are a big part of why I was so drawn to him. I didn't really understand it util now, but he reflected back to me everything I wanted to be. Everything I was hiding from.

Tony saw in me what I couldn't. He is the one who started chiseling away at my unhealthy survival mechanisms. He wasn't afraid to call me out or hurt my feelings. He loved me enough to be honest and to push me when needed.

I stopped this morning to think about all of this and a stunning realization landed within my soul. This man lit the match for all that I am experiencing now. This fire that lights the way toward whatever God has intended for me all began with the sparks that Tony cared enough to throw off.

He saw me like no one else ever has.

There will never be a day where it will be okay for my phone not to be blowing up with funny memes, weather reports, or gold prices - whatever he was excited about that day. It will never be okay to not hear his voice, laugh with him, or be able to fall asleep snuggled up in his arms.

I used to think that the pain of losing him would be a heavy chain I'd have to carry around my soul for the rest of my life. What I understand now is that the grief will always be there. How I allow it to resonate within my life is completely up to me.

The pain isn't gone, God knows. But I'm learning that I do have the power and strength to transform how it affects me. I will look at our love, at the legacy he left me and I will use that as fuel to keep this new found fire going. He will fan the flames of every word that I type that helps me or someone else. He will be in every offering that I'm allowed to share that may bring someone else hope or peace.

I will make a conscious effort every day to disassociate him from any suffering or sadness. He is with me as the co-creator of this new life. Changing how I hold his death.... that is the alchemy in me.

We will always have the power to transform dark to light. It will never be easy, but I hope to live as an example that it's possible and so damn worth it.

Beauty in the Brokenness

I know what it feels like to emerge from the storm cellar and see everything you've ever known completely annihilated. That's been my reality for a few months now. But I have to say, now having a chance to sort through the rubble, I'm finding pieces of myself that I didn't even know existed.

Clearly they were here all along, but I just didn't see them. And all the things that I constantly feared I'd lose or thought were so fragile that I couldn't allow to break, they are the exact things that are helping me to see what I can become now.

The ground shuddering underneath my feet dusted off my soul and allowed all the muck that life has put me together with to start falling away.

It's a release.

It's a relief.

And all that new found space? Well, it's filling up with energy and warmth. The universe hasn't slowed down, but I'm starting to catch up. I'm moving with it now as if it's a natural part of who I am.

All those shattered pieces were sacred clues showing me a path to a deeper, more fulfilled way of living. They led me to this higher level of existence that I honestly could never have dreamed up. How can I not be grateful for such an amazing gift?

This brokenness wasn't the end of my story. It opened the door to my soul resurrection.

Shifting and Accelerating

Most of my adult life has felt like trying to move through mud with a blindfold on. Everything has felt heavy and slow. And it was exhausting.

Now so much is happening so fast. I feel like I've jumped into a sports car with the universe driving and she looked at me and said, "You finally ready?" We've all seen that movie moment where the driver shifts gears and takes off at a crazy speed. That's my life right now. I don't even know that I can fully express the magnitude of it right now. It's an exhilaration I've never known. Yet there is some innate calmness in me telling me not to fear. Let this be. And as Tony always said, "Enjoy the ride."

The parts of me that used to question, overthink, and hesitate are quieter now. Not gone, just softened. They feel manageable. I'm learning how to let go of things that aren't meant for me. In fact, just yesterday, a situation happened at work where I would have normally jumped in to try to help put out the fire - my mind went to a vision of a tennis racket hitting a tennis ball away. I thought to myself, "This is not for me" and I let it go. It was absolutely so self gratifying. I'm starting to even feel a little excited about these little tests, because I know it shows how much stronger I'm getting.

I have no idea where this is all leading, but I know I'm not asking the universe to slow down and I'm certainly not getting out of the car. I'm going to enjoy the ride.

And I know Tony will be with me, smiling his ornery grin saying, "Attagirl."