Breaking Free of What's Breaking Me

When you dive into the pool of self-discovery, I don't think there is any way you can fully prepare for what you are going to find.

Those of us that are the walking wounded carry scars that never heal. They still bleed. They bleed into our thoughts, our decisions, our relationships. They make us question ourselves. They create a continual ache for healing - one we can't always name, but always feel. We keep searching for answers, hoping for wholeness, but we often end up swimming in doubt.

You can reach a point of intolerance - an unwillingness to bleed anymore. You can analyze your behaviors. You can trace them back to their source. Why it happened can be crystal clear or still veiled in mystery. That's the spot that becomes very murky, and muddy, and difficult to traverse. Some of us get stuck there and it almost hurts more the original wound. You can wish and want all you want for change. If the other person doesn't have the awareness or ability to take responsibility and tend to your needs, it will continue to be a perpetual cycle of disappointment and unrest.

Forgive and let go... that's what I constantly hear.

Like it didn't matter?

The pain no one apologized for

The needs that never got met

The silence I had to survive in

I always processed that as saying, "Get over it." It made me mad. I felt like I was owed something, owed more than just swiping it under the rug.

Until now.

Now I'm learning that allowing myself to move past it is not about letting them off the hook without accountability or consequence. With this journey inward, I'm growing to understand that it's about my energy and what I allow to stay, what I allow to shape me, and what I finally choose to release.

The core lesson for me in all of this is that forgiveness isn't just a moment you arrive at suddenly. It's a muscle. It's something you strengthen through use. You build it through the ache, through repetition, through every refusal to bleed anymore.

I choose release, because I deserve it. I am the one who gives myself the freedom I am seeking. I am the one who will continue to whisper, "I let go of needing you to be someone you couldn't be. I free you. And I free myself."

Letting go is messy. It's layered. It takes courage. I'll still need lots more practice. But this... this is where a big part of my healing needs to happen.

Getting Lit

Summer nights on my grandparent's farm were filled with my brother and me running around catching fireflies. To me, they seemed to be magic. Tiny, soft lights flickering in the darkness.

As I'm looking back at my life and how I got here, my mind is drawing parallels back to that very magic.

There were so many tiny, soft lights in the darkness as I stumbled through my life. I didn't see or understand most of them then. I have such clearer vision in my rear view mirror now.

Writing dramatic poetry as a young girl.

Every moment spent listening and consoling others.

Words of wisdom shared far beyond my years.

Every ache of discontentment.

Every time I felt the itch to break free from a life that didn't fit.

Every instinct I followed when logic told me not to.

Every risk I took without knowing why, only that I had to.

Every person that I met along the way that felt like home.

They were all lights - showing me, piece by piece, who I really was.

And maybe that's what purpose really is - not some big moment of arrival, but the steady uncovering of yourself through the sparks you're given.

It's not a lightening strike that reveals the whole path at once, but a trail of fireflies that only light up enough for your next step. The flickers are always there - waiting for us to notice. All we have to do is trust them and follow.

I will keep following what makes me feel safe, what makes me feel authentic, what makes me feel stronger. I'll choose the things that make me light up from the inside out. Then I, too, can become a firefly.

To Cody - you are a firefly, lighting the way without even realizing how bright you shine. ❤️

R&R

We all need a little R&R. No, not what you think - not rest and relaxation. We need something far deeper: Remember and Rise.

I recently heard someone say that red is the first color that we see when we enter this world. I was so taken by it. I asked for it to be repeated. "Red is the first color we see when we enter this world," she said again.

I really can't explain my reaction, but it hit me in such a profound way. It's not something I never would have thought about. It's so natural and raw... yet stunningly beautiful.

In the moment we step into this realm - when we first see red - we sacrifice our knowing of our higher consciousness to start a new human adventure that will lead us back to it. That's the divine plan anyway.

What I'm learning and sharing is that it doesn't matter how lost we've been for how long. It only takes one small step to get ourselves going in the right direction. One small shift can create a domino effect. And once you start feeling how amazing it is to be aligned and finding yourself, it's not something you'll want to let go of. Everything in your life will begin to elevate - bit by bit, word by word, thought by thought.

Most days now I still feel like a toddler learning to walk. And every day, it still feels a little surreal. Sometimes even overwhelming. But no matter how little or big the steps I take each day, I feel the shift and a steadiness in my rise.

I'm learning more about myself.

I'm becoming more of myself.

I'm learning more about everything around me

And I love it.

I share Human Design because it is part of my story. I have found a great deal of truth and direction in it. For anyone who may be curious, Jeannie has a lot of good, free information on her site. She is always open to work with anyone who wants to explore. https://divinelyinspiredmessages.com/

If you are restless, constantly hitting walls, or feeling lost, this may be your divine nudge to pause, remember and rise. It's never too late.