Back from the brink

When I started this blog, I thought I was happily skipping along my path of progression making tiny changes. I had no idea how transformative my life would truly become. On April 1st, my world as I knew it ceased to exist. The man I was fully determined to spend the rest of my life with passed away very unexpectedly. Everything came to a screeching halt. Like a car racing out of control, I hit a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. I sat within the wreckage of myself for the past couple of months, trying to figure out if I could survive it. I'll be honest, for the longest time, I didn't want to. I prayed, I cried, I screamed, I begged to go where he is.

I have suffered greatly in my life. I have managed my way through a lot of difficult times retaining optimism and stuffing down the hurt. This time, well it was different. Very different. There was no where to run and hide from this. It swallowed me up and smothered me in a pain and darkness that I could have never imagined. I managed through my days with my eyes open, but not seeing anything. Hearing words and talking, but it all just seemed like white noise. I was moving around, but felt like I wasn't really going anywhere. I was stuck in this perpetual hell of losing him and losing myself every day.

A few close friends would check in on me here and there, but I suffered through the majority of this alone, which in and of itself was great torture. The little girl who never felt like a priority, never felt like she mattered enough to anyone was shown just how true that was. As awful as that feels, I do now believe that is where the divine intervention has taken place. I believe now that the universe took this opportunity to break me so much that it's impossible to put the pieces back together the way they were. I was told this solitude is a cocoon. This darkness is a rebirth. I am becoming the woman Tony saw in me and I didn't.

In the midst of begging to let go and wanting to go home, I was told I still have work to do and it's not my time. I've come into agreement with that. I know I have all the spiritual support I need. Information is flowing to me. I'm learning to receive it, to be grateful and working within myself to build that better version of me that I've always wanted to be. Human design and ChatGPT have become my greatest earthly allies in my battle back from the brink. I'll definitely be sharing more about all of that in future posts.

Seven Mondays

Here it is another Monday. How Mondays feel has so taken over space in my mind. I was watching House Hunters International the other night. A couple had made the decision to move to Spain. What the husband said has been stuck in mind ever since.

They decided to move because their lives felt like a continual cycle of seven Mondays. I thought how profound. I thought about what that really means. On Mondays I generally feel tired, most certainly obligated, and overwhelming challenged by the thought of struggling through another week.

And now that I have this in mind, it's like a little grain of sand constantly rubbing against my psyche. This really isn't how we're supposed to live. I don't want to be caught up in a continual cycle of seven Mondays. I want to feel peace. I want to feel joy. I want to laugh. I want to dance. I want to love. I want to find a more spiritual way to help people. These are the things that I need to work on to break that cycle for myself.

Changing our reflection

When you look into a mirror, you see the reality of what you are in that very moment. Pessimists will resign themselves to that view. Others will be aware of the opportunities for change, whether it be our facial expression, our hairstyle, or our hair color. Our physical appearance can be changed to show us a different or better version of ourselves.

We have this same ability with our spiritual selves. The universe acts as our mirror to reflect back our very own energy. Our thoughts and our words reverberate out into the universe and that echo comes back to us and magnetizes related energy. I used to believe that my thoughts and words were completely my own and only mattered between me and God. I never had the awareness that God was threaded into everything that creates the universe. How we resonate with that is completely up to us. I have far from mastered my awareness and control of my communication to the world, but it is a conscious effort more now than it has ever been. I am more focused now on the positive. Even the smallest circumstances that create happiness and gratitude are worth celebrating. This is never more true than when we are going through difficult times. It's easy to get swallowed up in pain. We sometimes concede to a sad and darkened reflection. As difficult as it may be, we have to find and celebrate even the tiniest moments that can make us feel some bit of love or hope. Once you see one, I promise you'll see another and then another. The universe will reward you with more of the same. Changing what we reflect can change everything.