The Alchemy in Me

Tony was unapologetically bold. He lived his life out loud - with his IDGAF bravado. Right or wrong, there was never any guessing to how he felt or where you stood. He wasn't a people pleaser. He stayed true to himself.

He wasn't always everyone's cup of tea. As he used to say playfully, and with complete self-awareness - "I ain't for the squeamish."

All of those behaviors that may have put people off, those are a big part of why I was so drawn to him. I didn't really understand it util now, but he reflected back to me everything I wanted to be. Everything I was hiding from.

Tony saw in me what I couldn't. He is the one who started chiseling away at my unhealthy survival mechanisms. He wasn't afraid to call me out or hurt my feelings. He loved me enough to be honest and to push me when needed.

I stopped this morning to think about all of this and a stunning realization landed within my soul. This man lit the match for all that I am experiencing now. This fire that lights the way toward whatever God has intended for me all began with the sparks that Tony cared enough to throw off.

He saw me like no one else ever has.

There will never be a day where it will be okay for my phone not to be blowing up with funny memes, weather reports, or gold prices - whatever he was excited about that day. It will never be okay to not hear his voice, laugh with him, or be able to fall asleep snuggled up in his arms.

I used to think that the pain of losing him would be a heavy chain I'd have to carry around my soul for the rest of my life. What I understand now is that the grief will always be there. How I allow it to resonate within my life is completely up to me.

The pain isn't gone, God knows. But I'm learning that I do have the power and strength to transform how it affects me. I will look at our love, at the legacy he left me and I will use that as fuel to keep this new found fire going. He will fan the flames of every word that I type that helps me or someone else. He will be in every offering that I'm allowed to share that may bring someone else hope or peace.

I will make a conscious effort every day to disassociate him from any suffering or sadness. He is with me as the co-creator of this new life. Changing how I hold his death.... that is the alchemy in me.

We will always have the power to transform dark to light. It will never be easy, but I hope to live as an example that it's possible and so damn worth it.