Unlearning Me: Not Alone

I feel a responsibility to myself, more so to God, to recognize the changes and blessings in my life. I think this may be one of the biggest.

What I once considered my super power was to figure things out on my own. I convinced myself that it was strength. I had even convinced myself it was my penance for some unknown sin that I came into this world with. The weight of the world was mine to carry and I carried it. I couldn't ask for help and I had difficulty accepting it when offered. (I'm grateful for those who knew me well enough to fight me on it at times. Mom, Heather, Ronnie... I thank you and love you!)

Being here now, Michael reminds me continually that I'm not alone and encourages me to ask for help. One day I missed an appointment because of an issue with my car and his mom asked why I didn't call her. I told them both that I wouldn't have even thought about it. My mind isn't used to thinking that way.

Weeks later, Michael was under tremendous pressure to work on the house before the wedding. He was working overtime every day and working every evening at home to the point of exhaustion. I sat here one day trying to figure out how I could get materials here so that he wouldn't have to make the trip after work. I remembered what he said about asking for help. I also remembered what his mom had said. But I quickly caught myself and retracted back to what I could do. I churned on it for a while. I kept coming up empty. Thoughts of Michael's dad's trailer danced around in my mind. I contemplated calling his mom. I picked up the phone and put it back down several times. I just couldn't. I negotiated with myself. What is the worst that could happen? Why was this so difficult for me?

I finally realized that if I didn't give myself permission to do this, it was a struggle I would continue to carry. It was time to overcome and be the Mrs. Horner I was becoming. So I took a deep breath and dialed the phone. I was met with love and an immediate response of "of course we'll help."

Even as they pulled into our driveway and unloaded everything, it was still very surreal. It was only after they left that I sat down and the realization hit me that they actually dropped everything, gave up their time, went out of their way just to help us. Tears of gratitude fell, but so did my long-standing misconception of what strength meant.

God never intended us to carry life alone. My lens changed that day and I felt new strength in allowing people to care and help carry the load (physically and emotionally). This is my family now and I am so grateful for God bringing such incredible people into my life.

I've had lots of time to reflect since then. I can look back now and see how much easier certain times would have been if I had simply asked for help.

Now here I am asking God for help daily and I couldn't be happier.