Closer Than You Think

In those dark moments after losing Tony where I wanted to give up, where the pain was too great that I felt like I couldn't survive it anymore, there was someone there. Someone who refused to leave me. When I was in the dark pit begging God to take me too, He answered simply, "Not yet."

That voice inside my head was so clear and so personal. Suddenly this omnipotent, mythical being of childhood stories became very real and our relationship became very personal. I had the extraordinary realization that He knew me. Not only that, but He loved me enough to hold me in those moments AND there was still purpose to my life.

I met God during that time. A door opened that had been buried in the trappings and noise of my human experience. But He had been there, waiting.

Once I met him this way, I started recognizing Him everywhere. Especially within me and everywhere within this beautiful life I've now been gifted with.

I recognize Him in the love I feel for my family and friends. The joy and care that occupies my heart and mind for my son. Most certainly in the love and friendship I get to share with Michael every day and in the family Michael now shares with me.

I recognize Him in the love and compassion I feel in this chaotic world. It's Him in every ounce of forgiveness I find to give.. towards myself and others. Even within the smallest of nudges to reach out to someone, pray for someone or to just give, no matter what is required in the moment.

More than anything, I recognize Him in this very experience of writing this blog. I am instinctively aware that this website and all that will come from it is His way of reaching out through me. I feel Him in the messages that keep finding their way to me asking to be shared.

I'm not sitting here as a bible scholar. I can't quote scripture. I've thought at times in the past that God was for other people. People far different than I thought myself to be. He seemed distant and unattainable to me. I can't even begin to unpack all of my life that may have reinforced that misconception. I don't need to. What is important now is the awareness that He is there... not only for us, but within us.

If you have ever loved someone deeply, felt compassion for a stranger, forgiven someone who hurt you, been moved by beauty, reached out because something inside you told you someone needed you, or found hope when there was absolutely no logical reason to have any....

maybe you've already felt Him.

Maybe you just didn't call it God.

Maybe, just maybe... like me, you'll find He's been there all along.

For anyone looking, I'm here to assure you... He is closer than you think.