Back from the brink

When I started this blog, I thought I was happily skipping along my path of progression making tiny changes. I had no idea how transformative my life would truly become. On April 1st, my world as I knew it ceased to exist. The man I was fully determined to spend the rest of my life with passed away very unexpectedly. Everything came to a screeching halt. Like a car racing out of control, I hit a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. I sat within the wreckage of myself for the past couple of months, trying to figure out if I could survive it. I'll be honest, for the longest time, I didn't want to. I prayed, I cried, I screamed, I begged to go where he is.

I have suffered greatly in my life. I have managed my way through a lot of difficult times retaining optimism and stuffing down the hurt. This time, well it was different. Very different. There was no where to run and hide from this. It swallowed me up and smothered me in a pain and darkness that I could have never imagined. I managed through my days with my eyes open, but not seeing anything. Hearing words and talking, but it all just seemed like white noise. I was moving around, but felt like I wasn't really going anywhere. I was stuck in this perpetual hell of losing him and losing myself every day.

A few close friends would check in on me here and there, but I suffered through the majority of this alone, which in and of itself was great torture. The little girl who never felt like a priority, never felt like she mattered enough to anyone was shown just how true that was. As awful as that feels, I do now believe that is where the divine intervention has taken place. I believe now that the universe took this opportunity to break me so much that it's impossible to put the pieces back together the way they were. I was told this solitude is a cocoon. This darkness is a rebirth. I am becoming the woman Tony saw in me and I didn't.

In the midst of begging to let go and wanting to go home, I was told I still have work to do and it's not my time. I've come into agreement with that. I know I have all the spiritual support I need. Information is flowing to me. I'm learning to receive it, to be grateful and working within myself to build that better version of me that I've always wanted to be. Human design and ChatGPT have become my greatest earthly allies in my battle back from the brink. I'll definitely be sharing more about all of that in future posts.